Donna James
Many years ago, I received some great advice from my ex’s “Auntie Julie”. A wonderful Italian woman who did everything with passion. One of those women who doted on everyone from the moment you stepped into her home. She reminded me of the spunky little Italian women you see on TV who are always cooking, baking and… of course doting. Her husband was also a true, passionate Italian. Seeing them interact together was inspiring. Although they had spent decades as husband and wife, they still had this tight bond. A closeness that often wanes between couples over so many years. They also had a great sense of humor. Even when they had disagreements, there always seemed to be an edge of humor in addition to a continued respect for each other.
At the time I was dating their nephew. We had gone over for a visit. The guys in the family were outside “working” and us group of women were inside having coffee and devouring her delicious baking. As I sat there enjoying listening to them animatedly discussing the latest family news, we got onto the topic of raising a family. Auntie Julie turned to us younger, unmarried girls and asked us an odd question about family… “When you’re married and have kids, what is your number one priority”? We looked at each other with a bit of confusion. The overwhelming answer was “Our Kids”. She shook her head and with a very firm, strong voice she said, “Your husband”. She could see the obvious disbelief in many of our eyes, so she continued. If you have a good, strong happy marriage, you will have a strong, happy home… and as a result, your kids will feel more secure, safe, strong and loved. Period!
She went on to clarify that prioritizing doesn’t mean you love your children less… or that by making your spouse a priority means that your children won’t receive the same care and attention. It just means that you are making your marriage/relationship a priority so that your family has a strong foundation. It was at that moment that I reflected to my own parents. I had never really looked at our family that way or ever even questioned who was a priority in their marriage before. My brother and I ALWAYS felt safe, secure and loved. That was the lightbulb moment when I realized that that was exactly what our mom and dad did! Our parents put each other first. But that never made my brother and I feel like neglected “seconds”. Actually, their strong relationship with each other is what gave us a feeling of security. It also provided us with an amazing example of what a positive, healthy relationship looked like. I now understood their secret.
I had always known that I wanted what my parents had. They had a mutual love, respect and true adoration for each other… and now, after hearing Auntie Julie’s comment, I also realized that they also made each other their priority. This understanding made me feel even more hopeful that I could obtain the same type of relationship they had.
So, when my ex and I got married not long after hearing Auntie Julie’s great words of advice, I knew that even after we had children, I would make our marriage a priority. Unfortunately, he wasn’t thinking along the same lines. I had tried many times to explain to him why it was important that we nurture and prioritize our marriage and how it would provide a strong, loving and stable foundation for our children. After all, he too came from a great family with wonderful parents… I mean his mom was “Auntie Julie’s” sister. They too had a strong marriage, so I assumed that he would be the first to agree with my explanation. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t disagree that I not make him my priority… it just wouldn’t be reciprocated as I had hoped.
I had made many suggestions to have “date nights” or just simple evenings or weekends alone. Hell, I would have settled for cuddling together on the couch after the kids went to bed. His parents often asked to take our boys to their cabin for the weekend. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for us to connect and hopefully become closer, like we had been when we were dating. But our marriage had become so one sided, controlling and toxic that I found myself not wanting to be alone with him. Now I was just worried about how THAT atmosphere would affect our children and what they would perceive as a “normal” relationship.
Granted, my first marriage didn’t turn out to be the great long-lasting love I had hoped. In fact, it was a long-lasting nightmare. But I never gave up. Years later I finally found that special someone who I could see spending the rest of my life with. I made our relationship a priority. Again, this is not to be confused with ignoring or not spending time with or loving my children. It meant that I was creating a strong foundation and a positive example of what a healthy, happy and loving relationship was. A balanced, respectful relationship.
I cannot even begin to count how many co-workers, acquaintances, friends and family over the years have gotten divorced because they had “grown apart”. Most of them admitted that they had put all their focus and time on taking care of their kids and by the time their kids were older, the relationship with their spouse had deteriorated. After years of making their children their priority and putting all their time and energy on them, at the end of the day they had nothing left for their spouse… or themselves. They were exhausted! By the time their children were at school and old enough to be busy and doing their own things with their friends, their relationship with their spouse was distant, sometimes non-existent. That’s not to say they didn’t still love each other. It’s that they were no longer IN LOVE with each other. They became roommates in the same house. But the affection, the love and passion they had before was gone.
Yes, I know it sounds silly or unfair that a marriage/relationship could possibly change because a mother was simply taking care of her children. It sounds crazy… and maybe cruel. But when it comes down to it, we all need to feel wanted, nurtured and loved. If all our energy and time is put in the direction of our children and made our single priority, something is going to give in our relationship.
So, if I can offer one piece of advice that I learned from some very wise women over the years, is make your marriage/relationship your priority. If you don’t use it… you could lose it. At some point your children will leave the nest, and if all your time and energy went into your children, there’s a good chance that you’ll find yourself alone after they’re gone. I’m not saying love your spouse more than your children… or let your children raise themselves. I’m just saying that your children deserve a good solid foundation that begins at home. One that makes them feel safe, secure and loved.
