Donna James
When you’ve experienced domestic abuse and have been verbally, emotionally, and mentally attacked, as well as manipulated and gaslit, you start to believe your abuser, and become your biggest critic.
I’ve heard it so often and have been asked numerous times. Why did you go back to your abuser?
There are many reasons women stay based on each of their unique situations. I’ve listed just four of the reasons I and so many others stay in – or return to the relationship.
The first time I tried to leave my abusive husband was after collapsing at work. The first thing the EMTs asked was, “Are you under any stress?” My mind was racing — I wanted to scream “YES IF YOU ONLY KNEW!” But my shame and fear won and my response was a quiet no.
As they hooked me up to a bunch of wires and monitors at the hospital, the doctors asked me the same question. And again, I blurted out a quick “No”. The nurse glanced at my wedding ring and asked if she could call my husband. This time it was a firm NO. Instead, I gave her my mom’s information.
I realize that so many people would consider that opportunity a gift. In some ways it was. But being IN an abusive relationship is much different than being on the OUTSIDE.
After my mom picked me up from the hospital that day, the tears and words came spilling out as I told her what had been happening for the past few years. She was shocked and then horrified that she didn’t see it — but that was the point!
I succeeded at living a lie to keep my boys and me safe. Well… SAFER!
Her maternal instinct was to protect me and get me out of the situation. And I was happy and relieved to let her help — at least for a few short hours. As we drove around creating my escape plan, my husband called demanding to know where I was as he yelled and berated me. After telling him I was on the road for work, he continued to call several times an hour. I then just let all his calls go to voicemail.
After spending most of the day riding along with my mom, listening to her encouraging and loving words, and making me feel stronger, I decided this was my chance, so I made a plan to leave.
I left work early to pick up my boys from daycare. The staff told me their dad had already picked them up. Something felt off. Picking them up was MY thing – not to mention, I had the boy’s car seats!
That sick feeling came over me as I rushed home.
It was unusually quiet when I got in the door – and then I heard my boys crying. I ran up to their bedroom where my 5 and 2-year-old sons were sobbing uncontrollably. Their dad, who was sitting on the floor, was holding them back tightly.
When they saw me, their sobs grew louder. As I went over to comfort them and ask what was wrong, they asked why I was leaving them. They went on to say that Daddy told them that “Mommy didn’t love them and didn’t want to be their mommy anymore.” and that I was “leaving to move in with another man and never wanted to see them again!”
Horrified, I glanced at my husband who had a proud smirk on his face.
As I reached down to pick up our youngest, my husband pulled his arm back, fist clenched and ready to strike as he threatened me, saying if I touched his sons, he’ll punch me in the face harder than I had ever been punched before.
Worried about how that would traumatize our boys, I quickly retreated.
This brings me to the first common reason so many of us go back.
1. SAFETY OF OUR CHILDREN
It’s inconceivable to imagine anyone hurting their child. But sadly it happens every day.
As a mom, it’s our job to protect our children. Unfortunately, when you’re trapped in an abusive situation, most often the choice is either staying with your abusive partner or leaving with nothing!
You worry about the safety of your children – and your ability to support and protect them. But if you leave, you know your abuser will be looking for you. And the thought of them finding you is terrifying. What will they do? What will happen to the children if he hurts me – or worse?
Financial abuse is also extremely common. Perpetrators will either hide or withhold your money, sabotage your job, or disallow you to work entirely. That way, you’re solely dependent on them for the necessities.
Although the first option is terrifying, so is the thought of your children not having a safe place to sleep, eat, or survive.
As a result, we feel our only option is to choose what we perceive as the lesser of the two evils.
2. MANIPULATION, GUILT TRIPS & EMPTY PROMISES
When a survivor can escape, the response from their abuser can be unexpected. It’s very common for the perpetrator to beg and plead for forgiveness.
They’ll promise to change and never hurt their victim ever again, crying and appearing to be very vulnerable and genuine.
Playing on the vulnerability and emotions of their victims, these master manipulators will do and say everything possible to manipulate and convince them to return.
All too often, between our love (yes, love!), guilt, fear of the unknown, and that desire to want to believe – and hope – that they’ll change, we trust their intentions.
I was unprepared for all my husband’s begging, pleading, and promises. He appeared so vulnerable and sincere, as he apologized through tears. He promised to stop being so controlling, jealous, and angry. That he would treat us all better, be more patient, and even raise my “allowance”.
Then came the implication that he couldn’t live without me. More guilt!
All these emotions — both his and mine — were unexpected. Unaware that this was a common ruse abusers use to manipulate their partner and guilt them into staying, I finally agreed.
Despite my intuition screaming at me to run, I felt I owed it to my family to try and forgive my husband. Otherwise, it would all be my fault if I broke up the family. His promises combined with my hope and guilt were so overwhelming, I stayed.
Each time he suspected I was considering leaving, he would pull the same game. Beg, promise, and plead. When that stopped being effective, he simply threatened to kill me if I tried to leave. The thought of my boys losing their mom and being left with their father only added to my guilt and fear.
3. FEAR OF THE FUTURE
As difficult as it is for many to understand when we’re trapped in an abusive relationship, it becomes our new (or maybe not-so-new) normal. Even if it’s as uncomfortable as hell. As terrifying as that may sound, the outside world — the unknown — feels even more terrifying.
Abusers repeatedly tell us how awful and unlovable we are. How no one would ever love us as they do. That no one would ever want or put up with us. All while saying they can’t live without us. Then there’s the threat that if they can’t have us — then no one can.
Each time they say those things, we lose hope. We feel more alone, afraid, and trapped. Then we also have to consider the threats our partner has spewed, whether real or perceived. Our abuser may have threatened to hurt our children, other family or friends, or our pets. To lie and destroy our reputation, to have us deported. Their list of threats can be expansive and exhausting.
There is also the very real consideration of survival AFTER we leave. Where will we go? Will we be homeless? How will we support ourselves (and our children)? What if he finds us? How do we protect ourselves? And the list goes on. However, one of the most powerful and real fear factors for survival is financial viability. This leads me to the fourth and one of the most common reasons women stay. No access to money.
4. NO MONEY | FINANCIAL ABUSE
When we got married, my husband said that he would take care of the finances since he had the most experience. It made sense to me. Many of the couples I knew, including my parents, had one of the partners manage the finances.
But there is a BIG difference between managing finances and controlling finances.
Initially, my husband would give me bills to pay. Ultimately, I was left with barely enough to cover my gas and asthma prescriptions.
When I had asked about getting a bit extra he explained that there were a lot of expenses involved with having our own home and vehicles and there wasn’t any extra to spare.
I believed him.
A few months into our marriage when we found out we were expecting our first child, he suggested we get a joint account so it would be easier for him to manage the finances, especially since I would eventually be on mat leave and bringing in less than my current pay.
He assured me that I would still have access – but I didn’t.
By the time our second son was born, my husband had complete control of ALL my money. Yes, we had a joint bank account, but he threatened me if I ever touched it. And I had no doubt he would follow through on those threats.
I had to cut my own hair (which, let me just say wasn’t pretty!), only drove when necessary, and dangerously held back on my asthma medication.
For groceries, he would give me a special credit card to use. I would then return it when I was finished. He would check the receipt thoroughly. If I purchased any personal items such as foods he didn’t like (but I did), deodorant, hairspray, or hygiene products, he would deduct that off my “allowance”.
It was humiliating and demeaning.
Yet, he would spend hundreds, sometimes thousands on hunting trips, toys, and items he wanted or needed.
As much as I wanted to leave, he made sure I couldn’t access my money.
So even if we left, I didn’t know how we could survive.
Please… No more judgement
It’s difficult enough to be trapped in an abusive relationship.
We become our own worst critics based on the toxic comments and cruel stories our abusers constantly tell us about ourselves until we’re convinced that they’re right.
There are so many barriers, tormenting decisions, and intense fear we face each day. The last thing we need is to be judged and ridiculed by others who have no idea of what we’re going through.
Rather than judging, be compassionate.
Instead of ridiculing, be empathetic.
Instead of supporting, encouraging, and empowering those trying to leave, those hurtful comments and societal judgment may be what convinces them to return.
NOTE: IF AT ANYTIME YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER, PLEASE CALL 911.
